Confession: I Am Terrified of Myself

First, a word about confession is in order. I know I'm breaking all the rules. I'm Protestant, and I'm a Bishop, and as a Christian my relationship with Jesus is supposed to be personal. To confess would be totally, well, just wrong. At least that's what we're taught within our modern Protestant churches here in America. I mean, confession is for the Catholics, right? And, preachers and Bishops should definitely never confess their faults; way too risky! Furthermore, Christians' relationships with Jesus are supposed to be personal- because, that's what Billy Graham says. For sure, the whole concept of confession within our Christian culture has been discarded- throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. Despite countless New Testament exhortations to confess our sins and faults one to another- as well as the historical and doctrinal treatment that confession has received through the centuries. So brace yourself- because, as formerly stated: I am going to break those rules. I have needed to get this off of my chest for some time now. While I am becoming more honest with Jesus about this personal struggle, I need to be honest with his presently incarnated body, the church.

Perhaps the confession in my title line gives it away. However, I need to be real with you. To understand my fears, I need to make some confessions about myself. I am a horrifying creature! Violent, lustful, jealous, idolatrous, covetous... There's no punch line, or moral to this story. It's just who I am. I and scares me! I often find myself restless, and disconnected to others. I avoid contact with Jesus, and fear ever becoming too deep spiritually because that means I will have to face these dark and miserable tendencies of mine. I rather enjoy shallow living and weak spirituality- you know, the kind of bumper-sticker religion we all seem to embrace: silly sayings that we call profound, and sentimental Christianity that can easily be picked up on your local "Christian Music" radio station. While my soul despairs of these comforts, my flesh has an insatiable craving for such piety. I am one twisted individual! More than Satan, more than evil men, more than the pain and sickness in this world- I am afraid of myself. Afraid, because I know what I am capable of- and even what I crave to do.

My flesh is whack! A perverted mess of filth and waste. I cringe even typing out these admissions. But it's true. The Apostle Paul was well aware of I am capable of, he wrote: "The works of the flesh are sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like". I am told that this is a healthy fear, and I am sure that it is; but, that doesn't take away the sting. As I try to live this life in God, through Christ, I must deal with myself. I have to look in the mirror- there are times where I fight against me. Sweaty hands, dry mouth, speeding pulse... resisting the urge to just be me, the miserable wretch that I am. When the guy cuts me off at the light. When the swimsuit model walks across the screen of the TV. When the colleague at work gets recognition, and I don't. The monster rears its ugly head. The beast within tries to resurface.

I've come to the humiliating conclusion that I am incapable of dealing with my own self. It is now apparent that I must have continual supervision by living in the very shadow of Jesus. Around that eternal kind of life, it is the only place that I feel safe from myself. Like when I was 4 and I would grab a hold of my Mom in the presence of strangers. I cower away from myself and gravitate towards Him. Like a timid child, I cling to His legs and hold on for dear life. It's the only way. I can't be trusted, but He can.

There now, that feels better! I admit that I am weak, and scared. I admit that I am afraid of the horrible creature that I am. I admit that I cling to Jesus' ankles in an attempt to get away from myself. He makes me feel safe- and in a strange way, being close to His life brings transformation to mine. He causes me to be filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.